Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2: Get your teeth fixed and rip your lungs out.

Last week, almost 168 hours to the hour, husband-man and I decided to go see twilight breaking dawn part 2. It was all his idea... or was it? Perhaps that's a tiny lie. We roll up. Every trailer about zombies, or some other ill conceived-this-is-the-next-big-thing-after-vampires creature was pretty brutal to endure, a small taster for what was about to come. There was one promising trailer, something about Jesse Eisenberg and magic, I think it was facebook movie 2, but it looked interesting, mostly because of cast, oh I'm a sucker. Let's take a brief history lesson. In 2008 I was in a special place in life. I was in love, but not in love, and I was in pain through the love that I thought I felt, that was entirely unrequited, and 5000 miles of terrane and ocean would ensure that I would never find out if I was or wasn't in love. Regardless, I spent the summer freelancing... long summer nights (and they are long for those reading that are not in Scotland, the summer nights are from 11pm to 1am and even then the sky is just a dark blue) were filled with violin lessons, swimming, going to the cinema, eating olives an cheese, watching murder she wrote, and reading twilight. I started the first book while on a 'Am I in love or not? It doesn't matter you mean nothing to me' trip. I put it down, and never picked up again until several weeks later when the genuine curiosity of what was going to happen to Bella Swan was so overwhelming I just had to buy it from amazon for the cheapest possible price and wait a week for it to get there. I finished it, and was blah, and I could have stopped there, but good old Steph Meyer published the first chapter of book 2 at the end of book one. I had to know if Jasper could control his blood lust for Bella!!! I HAD TO KNOW! So off I went the very next day to Borders (RIP Buchanan Street Borders, gone but sorely missed. Never Forget) and paid NORMAL price, that's a big deal man... Big deal. Likewise, book two came to an end, pretty quickly too because it was written in point 18 type and for the understanding of an infant. Book three purchased, and read and then I had to wait. Oh how I had to wait. Book four was coming, but not for a WHOLE WEEK. How on earth could I survive. I ran to borders at lunch... I ran after work. None, no shipment... apparently it got 'lost'. I had to wait a WHOLE EXTRA DAY!! How did I survive you might ask? Well it was touch and go I must say. This was before the days that you could get the books at ASDA for 50pence, Borders was the only place. I got it the next day and read and read and read and decided that breaking dawn was the worst piece of writing to ever be published. A tree and several more like it died to allow that drivel to exist in corporeal form. Awful. I strongly believe that no-one edited it, I don't even think Steph re-read it once she'd beaten out the first draft. It was awful. I'm still shocked. Alas, I saw all the movies anyway. I lost interest in the movies around the third. I'm not sure why. I think it's because 'Edward Cullen' is the ugliest 'most perfect beautiful' vampire to walk the earth. Perhaps it's Kristen Stewart's lack of acting. Or maybe it was the plain truth that the writing of Steph is so shallow and has no character development. Awful. Perhaps an alien stole the part of my brain that was allocated for Bella and Edward. Or perhaps it's because I actually found requited love and couldn't care less about living love through other people, because I had my own awesome-love man, who was skinny and tall like Edward, but had a bit more colour in his cheeks... just a little bit more. Whichever of these conceivable rational ideas it was, it happened—I stopped caring. Couldn't care less. But yet I still participate because I'm a human, and I have to finish what I started. Which gets me to the point. Breaking dawn part two the movie is pretty awful. It's terrible. Vampires are supposed to look beautiful and perfect... Bella looks the same as always... stupid jaw and stupid face. Kristen Stewart, it's time you did the world a favour and ripped your lungs out so you are no longer tempted to use your giant nostrils to act with*. No-one on the planet wants to hear you breath ever again. I'm pretty sure you'll be fine without lungs. Rumour has it you've inhaled enough air in the past 20+ years of your life to get you through. You've had more than enough. Robert Pattinson, I'm still amazed that you're alive after dying in Harry Potter 4. Perhaps you're a zombie? That must explain why you are looking so ugly*. Edward Cullen in my head was radiant and stunning, you are pretty gross, and I've heard stories that you're pretty rich... It's time you get your front teeth fixed before they eat your own head. I also heard you grew up in England where you could have had braces FOR FREE until you were 18. Tut tut. I've never noticed your teeth before, but in Twilight Five your teeth look black from the shadow they are creating. With your pale face and black teeth you look like a sickly drug addict or like you've just eaten too many sweeties and never brushed your teeth ... I thought vampires were meant to be beautiful and stunning and perfect and they don't even eat real food that would rot your teeth. IT MAKES NO SENSE. It actually makes even less sense than Angel (from Buffy) getting chunky and wrinkly, but then I am bias and believe that entire franchise to be perfect. This was the best picture I could find, I would be tempted to buy the Twilight 4.2 dvd just to get a better screen shot of is teeth. In conclusion, I've said it once, and I've said it a few times more, and I will say it one more time. Twilight should have ended the same way the Lost Boys did. Charlie Swan sitting in his house opening his product placed blue stripe, or whatever he drinks, and muttering about all the damn vampires. BEST ENDING EVER. *Kristen, don't actually, you might die, I'm exaggerating for sake of storytelling. *No really, how are you alive after Volde... He-who-must-not-be-named killed you?