Growing Up

The past few months have not been easy.

The past few weeks have had Antoinette back in them.

Although i've not got to see her that much, the times I have seen her have been good.

We were meant to hang about tonight for a short hot chocolate time, but it didn't happen. She sent me a message that made me ponder for a short time about myself.

Over the past few months I seem to have become withdrawn, quiet, and introverted. My social skills and my friend skills are lacking, and any conversation I do have seems to always centre around Jon/immigration/wedding and that's about it. There's nothing else happening, there's nothing else going on in my head.

It's been two years since my hurtful, horrid, mini-breakdown where I swore I would start doing more things. It lasted for a bit, but weather prohibits skateboard learning, and money prohibits violin, and the desire to plan a wedding as much as I can because I have no idea when it will be and I don't want to get behind then have to wait months while I 'plan' prohibits writing, and cinema, and leaving the house, and spending and saving all my money on debts, immigration or wedding prohibits everything else in between — even driving.

Speaking of driving, someone backed into my car and burst the metal... maybe I mentioned that. I can't remember. It was the start to an evening that ended in my spewing my load.

I'm waiting for life to happen, and it's not good. I think I fear living though, because to live without constantly thinking of Jon or preparing for my life with him would mean moving on from him, and I don't want that to happen. I know that if I keep things the way they are then our relationship won't suffer any more than it's already suffering. But if I start doing other things I will get distracted from the goal. NOT HEALTHY. I can hear you shout. But it's hard. It's difficult difficult lemon difficult. And that's all I can say about it.

Anyway. It got me thinking Toni's message, about how abysmal my self-centred thoughts have been. I've not really put any effort into maintaining our relationship, and while she's been here I've been passive and let her do what she needed to do and see who she needed to see without me being in the way. I got to see her last summer and be at her wedding all the other Scottish peoples didn't. So I figured it was their turn. Or was I actually just being self-focused and living in my box and not pushing the hanging out.

I remember seeing an advert on TV once with Lorraine that said you'll have hundreds of friends in your lifetime but only six that are constant. I remember her saying that she hoped I was one of her six. I've let that relationship fizzle.

I don't like growing up. This is the stuff grown ups deal with. My mum doesn't really have many friends. If any. All her time is about work, or tidying the house, or looking after and running after all three of her needy ass kids. I don't want to grow up.

I remember when I used to think about growing up, or 'dressing like a girl/lady' or behaving differently I would get this feeling in my gut like I was losing something, or saddening my mother because she was losing something. It was odd. I still get it every now and then. Not often, but on occasion it comes back.

I've still got no idea what it was: fear, change, sadness, nerves, emotional attachment to my mother in some kind of warped single parent Fraud theory of Oedipus.

I wish I afforded myself time to read and think and develop my theory brain again. My entire career looks like mush. Difficult year. Difficult year.

There's time though, and that's one thing i've learned is that time is an enemy and a friend. When we are young so many things happen at once. We are told to go to school, go to university and get a good job. That seems like a whole lifetime. In fact it's just the beginning, there's so much time to do other things and see other places, and change jobs and experience new things. Just because the 'plan' drilled into our minds when we were young has expired doesn't mean we have. That's why we have a planet of young late twenty to forty year olds all claiming they are old, because the way school and 'the social plan' works once you're finished university you're done with life.

That was a random thought.

I miss being crazy and fun. I miss laughing. I don't want to grow up. So hopefully once this hurdle is climbed I can be me again. Although then I will have a whole new set of worries and sadness and miss. I will miss the Mary and the Donna and the Eilidh and all the various flatmates. And the family. Them will I miss. And my mum is planning on moving, so it's not like I will ever be coming back to here, in the same environment. It's difficult to get my head around.

Anyway.

Worry of this week is the cat.

The way i've been wedding planning is to move the cat when I move, which would be a week or less after the pre-wedding in Glasgow, and then get married after a week of being in the US. Where does cat care come into that. BAH.

How can we destination wedding and honeymoon days after moving a cat 5000 miles and traumatising her when her entire life has been lived in one house. Well entire life bar 5 weeks. I took her Dundee once, for a week, and she hid in a bag the whole time. She's the scardiest cat I know, and putting her in cat care would end her. I think she would die of stress as well as be the meanest cat in the world.

Gosh, this is what grown up is. Dealing with cats.

I just can't think of a way to work it out other than leave her and get her the next time I come back. But I think that would be hard. She and I run in a pack. She hates when I leave her, and the easiest way would be me with her constantly through the whole travelling process, the leaving process and the settling process. Sigh. So many things to think about.

Today I lost motivation for making flowers. I'm so utterly bored of the same old same old with no change. Not even an interview date.

I watched Glee tonight and I've decided that the target audience is definitely gay males and people that loved watching 24. The story line isn't that great. It's very back and forth, I've still got no idea what I want to happen in the story, and the singing is getting a little boring. But for some reason I can't miss an episode.

At least I'm not sick.