Saturday, 27 March 2010

Feelings of a lifetime.

Holla' attcha. That's my Gwen Stefani gig for the day.

I was thinking today about a few different things. It started when I finished work and went for 'coffee' with Claire. Coffee being me drinking a cinnamon steamer and eating a pretty cupcake.

I was talking to Claire about a guy she's half dating and half not and she doesn't know if she likes him or if he likes her, so she was going to try and up the affection level and see where it takes her.

She was thinking of inviting her to her house to watch movies or some TV and I then I said 'Ohhh and when you are there you can try out the 'fight over the remote and I end up holding your hand thing'' then I got the warm fuzzies, because I was remembering the first time Jon held my hand:

Date numero dos.

We were sitting on his black couch after watching bolt and eating at Cafe Trang, which was awesome. And we were looking up an instruction manual for setting up his TV to make it work. He'd moved house just a couple of days before. I remember we were both looking over the iPhone screen and he clicked on a link and we were both crossing our fingers and then he reached over and grabbed my crossed fingers hand.

I actually have the lamest grin thinking about it. I was so into him, and I had no idea if he was even bothered or if he just wanted the novelty of hanging out with a Scottish person.

Happy moment.





After thinking this thought Claire and I parted ways and I was thinking about other AMAZING feelings that I never want to forget.

The day I got into Art School is one.

I was working at a hotel and started at 7am and finished at 12. I was running late that day. One of the few days I was ever late for that job. It was after 8 (Yes I was really late) and I was sitting on the train and my mum called me. I had no idea why she would be calling me. So I answered. She told me I had mail from Duncan of Jordanstone and did I want her to open it or just wait until I came home. After milling over the thought I told her to open it. As she was she jokingly said 'It says they're just reviewing your application' (weeks earlier I'd received a letter from Safeway — a supermarket — telling me my recent job application was being reviewed again, and that was it... weird). I thought she was being serious and my heart sank and then she was like 'just kidding it was a joke because of Safeway.' Then she went quiet and I could literally hear her reading. She then told me that i'd been accepted. I have no idea how big my grin was. It was huge. I called my best friend at the time, heather, and spoke to her all the way walking up to work in the dead dead streets of Glasgow. They're always empty and it's errily beautiful walking through town with empty quiet streets. The only people around are going to work or going home from a long long party. It's like there was a bustle of life then it just faded away with the sun committing to rise. I haven't done it in a while, but it's nice.

Anyway. Getting into art school was one of the best feelings ever.

I'll hopefully think of more, because there has to be more, I can't just have two.

Actually, the total kick of adrenaline while being proposed to, that's something to never forget.

The day I won the lottery would be another, but that's not happened.... yet :):):)

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Chai Tea Message

My recent discovery of a box of Chai Redbush in a cupboard has been amazing.

Tonight I just got the message 'Let your heart guide you.'

I got that message from the Chai Tea last January after I made the decision to stay in Salt Lake until March rather than go home at the end of January. It was a good decision although it was difficult to make and difficult to accept, but it was worth it once the pressure of making a decision was gone.

I remember getting the message and feeling a small sense of relief that I was making the right choice, because love is rare. Although it doesn't seem that way to those who are married already, but those who are single will know and understand how rare reciprocated love has become, especially that which is seeped in genuine intentions and loyalty.

I liked getting the message again. Because I am and I shall let my heart guide me. :)

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Bronconious

I've become addicted to Gentlemen Broncos.

Jon says I can't like a movie because of it's soundtrack.

If there's one thing I've learned from being awesome and studying design stuff, it's that a brand is made up of all the elements of it's advertising: size, colours, imagery, characters, emotional ties, and MUSIC.

:)

So are movies. A movie is everything from character, script, humour, story, and amazing music as well as viewing experience, and viewing company.

The two songs I'm currently loving because of the movie are:



and

Rock and Roll

For some reason I have been plagued with the overwhelming to punch dance or power dance to this:

Growing Up

The past few months have not been easy.

The past few weeks have had Antoinette back in them.

Although i've not got to see her that much, the times I have seen her have been good.

We were meant to hang about tonight for a short hot chocolate time, but it didn't happen. She sent me a message that made me ponder for a short time about myself.

Over the past few months I seem to have become withdrawn, quiet, and introverted. My social skills and my friend skills are lacking, and any conversation I do have seems to always centre around Jon/immigration/wedding and that's about it. There's nothing else happening, there's nothing else going on in my head.

It's been two years since my hurtful, horrid, mini-breakdown where I swore I would start doing more things. It lasted for a bit, but weather prohibits skateboard learning, and money prohibits violin, and the desire to plan a wedding as much as I can because I have no idea when it will be and I don't want to get behind then have to wait months while I 'plan' prohibits writing, and cinema, and leaving the house, and spending and saving all my money on debts, immigration or wedding prohibits everything else in between — even driving.

Speaking of driving, someone backed into my car and burst the metal... maybe I mentioned that. I can't remember. It was the start to an evening that ended in my spewing my load.

I'm waiting for life to happen, and it's not good. I think I fear living though, because to live without constantly thinking of Jon or preparing for my life with him would mean moving on from him, and I don't want that to happen. I know that if I keep things the way they are then our relationship won't suffer any more than it's already suffering. But if I start doing other things I will get distracted from the goal. NOT HEALTHY. I can hear you shout. But it's hard. It's difficult difficult lemon difficult. And that's all I can say about it.

Anyway. It got me thinking Toni's message, about how abysmal my self-centred thoughts have been. I've not really put any effort into maintaining our relationship, and while she's been here I've been passive and let her do what she needed to do and see who she needed to see without me being in the way. I got to see her last summer and be at her wedding all the other Scottish peoples didn't. So I figured it was their turn. Or was I actually just being self-focused and living in my box and not pushing the hanging out.

I remember seeing an advert on TV once with Lorraine that said you'll have hundreds of friends in your lifetime but only six that are constant. I remember her saying that she hoped I was one of her six. I've let that relationship fizzle.

I don't like growing up. This is the stuff grown ups deal with. My mum doesn't really have many friends. If any. All her time is about work, or tidying the house, or looking after and running after all three of her needy ass kids. I don't want to grow up.

I remember when I used to think about growing up, or 'dressing like a girl/lady' or behaving differently I would get this feeling in my gut like I was losing something, or saddening my mother because she was losing something. It was odd. I still get it every now and then. Not often, but on occasion it comes back.

I've still got no idea what it was: fear, change, sadness, nerves, emotional attachment to my mother in some kind of warped single parent Fraud theory of Oedipus.

I wish I afforded myself time to read and think and develop my theory brain again. My entire career looks like mush. Difficult year. Difficult year.

There's time though, and that's one thing i've learned is that time is an enemy and a friend. When we are young so many things happen at once. We are told to go to school, go to university and get a good job. That seems like a whole lifetime. In fact it's just the beginning, there's so much time to do other things and see other places, and change jobs and experience new things. Just because the 'plan' drilled into our minds when we were young has expired doesn't mean we have. That's why we have a planet of young late twenty to forty year olds all claiming they are old, because the way school and 'the social plan' works once you're finished university you're done with life.

That was a random thought.

I miss being crazy and fun. I miss laughing. I don't want to grow up. So hopefully once this hurdle is climbed I can be me again. Although then I will have a whole new set of worries and sadness and miss. I will miss the Mary and the Donna and the Eilidh and all the various flatmates. And the family. Them will I miss. And my mum is planning on moving, so it's not like I will ever be coming back to here, in the same environment. It's difficult to get my head around.

Anyway.

Worry of this week is the cat.

The way i've been wedding planning is to move the cat when I move, which would be a week or less after the pre-wedding in Glasgow, and then get married after a week of being in the US. Where does cat care come into that. BAH.

How can we destination wedding and honeymoon days after moving a cat 5000 miles and traumatising her when her entire life has been lived in one house. Well entire life bar 5 weeks. I took her Dundee once, for a week, and she hid in a bag the whole time. She's the scardiest cat I know, and putting her in cat care would end her. I think she would die of stress as well as be the meanest cat in the world.

Gosh, this is what grown up is. Dealing with cats.

I just can't think of a way to work it out other than leave her and get her the next time I come back. But I think that would be hard. She and I run in a pack. She hates when I leave her, and the easiest way would be me with her constantly through the whole travelling process, the leaving process and the settling process. Sigh. So many things to think about.

Today I lost motivation for making flowers. I'm so utterly bored of the same old same old with no change. Not even an interview date.

I watched Glee tonight and I've decided that the target audience is definitely gay males and people that loved watching 24. The story line isn't that great. It's very back and forth, I've still got no idea what I want to happen in the story, and the singing is getting a little boring. But for some reason I can't miss an episode.

At least I'm not sick.

Zero Mathematics

One of my most recent past times has been coming home from working and lying on bed with cat contemplating random things.

The other day I started doing some mathematics.

I was working out that the cat is 4 years and 8 months old.

In human years that's multiplied by 5 making her over 20.

On her birthday on July 9th she will be 25.

On my birthday I will be 27.

I also worked out that the cat ages one year for every 2.4 months. 0.4 = 12 days.

I then estimated that the cat and I would be a similar age around the end of this year, with her overtaking me before 2011 started.

Shortly after she would be older than Jon.

I'm going to do the exact maths and work out when that day is.

25 years on 9th July
26 year on 21st September
27 years on 3rd December
28 years on 15th February
29 years on 27th April

Actually this is inaccurate. I think we'll have to count days rather than months and days.

Okay start again.

Every 73 days the cat ages one year.

26 years 20th September

27 years 2nd December

28 years 13th February

29 Years 27th April

30 Years 9th July

Weird, the first time was pretty accurate.

Anyway.

On 2nd of december I will be 27 years and 88 days old.

The cat ages, in theory 5 days for every 1 of our days if she ages 5 years for every one of our years. I'll calculate that to make sure.

365/73 = 5

Bang on.

If I had the ability to make a graph this would be easier.

3rd December
Zero: 27 years 5 days
Vikki: 27 years 89 days

4th December
Zero: 27 years 10 days
Vikki: 27 years 90 days

5th December
Zero: 27 years 15 days
Vikki: 27 years 91 days

6th December
Zero: 27 years 20 days
Vikki: 27 years 92 days

7th December
Zero: 27 years 25 days
Vikki: 27 years 93 days

8th December
Zero: 27 years 30 days
Vikki: 27 years 94 days

9th December
Zero: 27 years 35 days
Vikki: 27 years 95 days

10th December
Zero: 27 years 40 days
Vikki: 27 years 96 days

10th December
Zero: 27 years 45 days
Vikki: 27 years 97 days

11th December
Zero: 27 years 50 days
Vikki: 27 years 98 days

12th December
Zero: 27 years 55 days
Vikki: 27 years 99 days

13th December
Zero: 27 years 60 days
Vikki: 27 years 100 days

14th December
Zero: 27 years 65 days
Vikki: 27 years 101 days

15th December
Zero: 27 years 70 days
Vikki: 27 years 102 days

16th December
Zero: 27 years 75 days
Vikki: 27 years 103 days

17th December
Zero: 27 years 80 days
Vikki: 27 years 104 days

18th December
Zero: 27 years 85 days
Vikki: 27 years 105 days

19th December
Zero: 27 years 90 days
Vikki: 27 years 106 days

20th December
Zero: 27 years 95 days
Vikki: 27 years 107 days

21st December
Zero: 27 years 100 days
Vikki: 27 years 108 days

22nd December
Zero: 27 years 105 days
Vikki: 27 years 109 days

23rd December
Zero: 27 years 110 days
Vikki: 27 years 110 days

And that's what makes time travel possible.

On the 23rd of December Zero and I will be the same age... I'm sure for just a minute because her day is 24/5 hours long. But that's a bit too tedious even for me.

That's also the day Joseph Smith was born. Coincidence. I think not. Zero was sent by God, although she is evil on some occasions, but I'm sure it's for a purpose.

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Ring a Ding Ding 2

So, on the pursuit for a ring, I came across some interesting things.

A Posy ring is one of those interesting things. Apparently in times of betrothal and arranged marriages people would give each other posy rings as a sign of their secret love for each other. It was quite the sentiment.

I came across this on ebay:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=400105719841&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT

This ring is about 300 years old or something, which is kind of crazy. I absolutely loved the engraving:



"I love and like my choice."

My most amazing find this week is this:





Which yet again is an ebay treasure.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=280479405857&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT


There's something about the hand carved tiffany logo, and the script written date that just blow my mind. I love typography, it's true. That is an honest fact about Vikki Miller Queen of the World.. she loves typography. In fact, I want a headstone that says something to that effect and you better believe the font, and the leading and the kerning better be perfect on it. I would also appreciate hand carving and skill in carving my name out of stone :)

Even although I have a ring, which I know I will love, it's hard for me to stop looking to see what else is out there. For a time after getting married, my friend Skillso Millso was still in wedding hunting mode, looking at wedding things, and still planning a 'what I would and should have done wedding.' That's already happening to me. Although I know there are certain things I will not budge on... Like my most awesome and amazing dress. Seriously it rocks.

My petticoat was delivered today but I missed the postman by 4 minutes, gutted. So I might have to get it in the morning if i'm up early enough to shower and get to the post office and catch the train for work.

I started work on my jacket guy last night, my mum and I were making a 'mock up' to work out any pattern kinks, and she even let me sew some of the cuff, awesome. I managed to mess it up, loosen the seam, cause a thread jam, and scald the fabric with an iron, so I suggested that when it come to making the real thing I have no part in it. She smiled at me... which was to say 'I love you daughter of mine, you have great skill in many things, but yes, you are right, you shouldn't touch the real thing.'

Vizzle my mizzle miller is tired. I should go to bed.

Today in Apple my friend Lee and I were discussing the awesome of having an Mc Surname, because it is my future and his present. And then he remarked... it will be cool because you will be V McD... which is what I said many months ago. The death of Vizzle M will spawn Veeeeee McDeeeee the newest rapper name on the block. Vizzle M will have come back tours though. I can guarantee it.