Saturday, 10 April 2010

The Lack of Fighting aka Apathy

Once upon a time in my youth I lived with a girl that I classed as my family. I lived with three girls, that I classed as my family. The girl we are talking about today was the one I ended up spending the most time with. We always spent weekends together, and Sunday's (after I'd been at church) I'd rush back to our flat and watch the OC with her on her giant bed.

I'm going to go as far as emotional as saying that the feelings I had for her and all my flatmates (the Masters' flatmate included), is love. I loved her. (not in a lesbian way Jon.)

The other character we're going to introduce today is boy R.

Boy R was in my design class, we had a lot of common interests, mainly graphic design and music.

He was cool.

I was trying to be cool.

Let's go back a year to when I had the biggest crush on Boy C. He turned out to be my first kiss. :)

After first kiss Boy C and I didn't really have much chat. I still adored the ground he walked on and stalked him like a crazy.

One day a non-flatmate-friend let me know that she'd kissed him that weekend.

I was hurt.

Months later.

Flatmate awesome (the girl in question) kissed him. They almost had a thing. She always had a way with guys. I was saddened, but not as sad as before. I'd gotten over him a little and moved onto Boy R (the one in my design class).


Long story short.

Flatmate Awesome and Boy R hooked up.

They stayed apart, and right before we left uni they got together on a permanent basis. This story isn't about me or my anguish and paranoia, it's about my Awesome.


They were together right up until last Christmas/winter time.

That would be 4.5 years.

That's a long time.

They were living together.

From the story she told me they just drifted apart a little. They would do their own thing and give each other social space, to the point that they did nothing together. They were like flatmates, sleeping in the same bed.

Flatmate Awesome presented this issues to Boy R and he said 'Okay, well do you want me to move out?'

And so he moved out, and that was that.

Her own words weeks later to me were 'I was mostly upset that he didn't fight for me.'

My question and thought is at what point does a loving, happy, perfect relationship, whether married or co-habiting, turn into something apathetic and draining. So that when it does come down to the ultimatum of break up or actually try a little harder, that the former option is just the favourite without any hesitation of thought.

It terrifies me a little that something could happen like that. That when trying to fix what you want and what you think is worth fixing actually turns into an apathetic escape.

The saddest part. Is that because of everything the relationship between Flatmate Awesome and I was seriously damaged, and it's not been repaired. Perhaps it's another victim of apathy. Putting all important chats off until the point that it's too late and it's just easier to not mention anything serious when we are in each other's company.

I think sometimes I get sad because I know she's still sad about it, I know she still agonises over him. Well, at least I suspect she does, and he just continues to be very hurtful with his lack of interest in her feelings or needs.

Which brings me to an entirely other point. I hate to make generalisations, but men have a tendency to ignore emotional confrontation. If a girl comes clean, tells the truth and spreads her emotion all over the ether like chocolate spread on toast (runny, messy, but slightly delicious) the situation is skirted over, and that all important closure, laced with emotional honesty just never gets given to the girl.

Somewhere along the line when girls got their voice, men never got their ears or their caring. And the more an emotional chocolate spread smear in the form of texts, phone calls, emails or anything like it happens, the less response the girl gets resulting in the girl continuing her emotional spread and eventually being branded a psycho. emotional honesty is not just not lying when asked questions. It's being open and admit something is awry.

Anyway. Boy R is an arse, and I feel sick thinking I ever once obsessed over him. I can't believe how disgusting in personality he turned out to be. I love Flatmate Awesome and I hate that she was hurt and saddened by someone that she trusted.

Those were my thoughts for today. I don't know where they came from. They just appeared.

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