Red Vines.

Back in Novemeber I decided that I was going to buy Red Vines for one Blair McGarvey (sister missionary). That bag of red vines was consumed by me while I sipped on some Dr Pepper (or Feffer as Jon calls it) and wrote my novel.

Now, I am still chewing on them and now i'm eating them for breakfast, which sucks because I can feel the acid rising. Sugar, carbonation and tomatoes all cause acid to be over produced. You would think, given I ran out of pills, that I would stop being so frivolous with my eating habits. Alas. No. I seem to hate my own body.

After my 'even steven' work out I have a really sore butt muscle today... well two... one on each cheek... but I think I pulled them while doing butterfly. It just encourages me to do more.

Anyway, on my way back to the flat yesterday, after 90 minutes of intense swimming, i stopped to get Bleary's album from slowtrain records. And I love it.

Bleary are my utah local band obsession. I just think there's so much musical talent it's insane. I honestly wish I could give them the recognition they deserve. There's so much pish music in the world just now that it's totally refreshing to hear something so tremendous, with so much thought behind it. Seriously, for a three piece, they make a good sound.

Last night Dane and Amycame up from American Fork and we played Seinfeld scene it – which Jon has wanted to buy and play for weeks, but had previously exercised restraint over buying it. We broke yesterday and went on a target trail to find it. I'm not the competitive type so I really don't mind losing board games and what not, i've been losing so much my entire life at things that it doesn't bother me any more. Sincerly.

Although, we went bowling on Tuesday night with a couple of Jon's work people, and one of their significant others. At the beginning the other girl and I declared our profuse suckiness at bowling. The other girl turned out to be really good, and I was the one sitting with a 50s score while everyone else – honestly – had triple figures. Alas. I actually don't like bowling all that much 1. because I suck at it, but I get that practice makes perfect. 2. I hate that everyone watches me, I don't like that amount of attention. The only thing worse than bowling attention would be to have your birthday at the bowling alley and have someone bring out a cake at the same time as you take a shot then everyone in the entire place would just stare.

Birthday attention terrifies me. I don't like it all being about me. That's why Mary the skills Mills and I started combining out Birthdays into an international holiday called Mary Vikkimas, it technically lasts 2 weeks.

I can't believe that I'm leaving Utah in a couple of days. This is officially the longest I've ever been away from my cat, and my family. It was my November stint, but this is now winning by 6/7 days more. It's been ten weeks and two days since I was home. Kind of crazy. I can tell you, it gets tiring living out of a suitcase. I'm looking forward to the next two months so I can just kick back and live out of drawers. I'm not looking forward to having to find any kind of job, and I'm not looking forward to missing Jon. The 28 days I was without him in december was so hard and so miserable, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do it without dying at least 5 times. I'll just have to bury myself in books, violins, cats, work, extra-curricular work, life planning, and friends.

Speaking of friends I will have just over two weeks to see Anoinette before she leaves scotland for good. FOR GOOD. So sad. marriage changes everything, and she will still be my awesome best friend, but we'll be so far apart and she'll be making new friends, and creating a new life (her own, not spawn, but she could be creating spawn... toni spawn called Kilsyth). I'm so excited for her though, and May will be fantastic, to see her and finally meet HER Jonathan. M M M mega. One day we will be old together and senile and we will both be assumed to be nutters because we both talk of Jonathans, and she will administer our medication for us, because she can and she's trained to :)

I just put another red vine in my mouth.

I went to an institute class a couple of weeks ago and the guy made a point of asking what we thought the fruit on the tree of life tasted like. Most people guessed sweet. (the choices were sweet or sour.) his conclusion was that sweet things have a bitter after taste and bitter things a sweet after taste. Therefore, he concluded the good fruit is bitter like a lemon. I can't remember if I blogged about that or not. But meh, i'm saying it again.

Man, I seriously love love love love love bleary. Such a good sound.

If you don't wake up, if you don't go to sleep, then you don't wake up, if you don't go to sleep.





So, this time last year, I was miserable. I had a job, that made me happy. Well I still have the same job, just no work. I was chasing after someone that never wanted me. And I was organising stuff for the YSA institute graduation. I was a hot chocolate drinking, roll and chips eating, cinema goer. It's funny how everything can change in one night, and everything else is forgotten.

Not so much the 'favourite past-times' like cinema, hot chocoalate, and friends. I'm thinking more along the lines of F****baws. Seriously. 12 months. Twelve months. I stressed myself out beyond all reason worrying and thinking and scheming and planning. Then one day, happiness just falls on my lap and everything that strained my brain for 12 months prior just vanished. Not surpressed. Just gone. Because. It. Never. Existed. This is what i've realised. And I apologise to everyone I moaned and talked to about it, because it was all a farcical over analysis of something that didn't really mean anything. However, if I had not been so caught up in it all I would never have been here last May, and I would never have ended up with a car in September, and I would never have stayed long enough in Utah to meet my happiness. Sincerly. If I didn't have that burgundy car I would have left Utah at the end of October right before hallowe'en. Thursday the 23rd actually. I would have been gone. But I stayed for another three weeks. Then I met him 4 days before i was meant to leave again, but I extended one last time, just in case, and the in case was just.

Sometimes it's hard to let go of past things that were detrimental to ones mental health – but without those things I would not be where I am now. And so it's hard to appreciate the pain for the stepping stone it became, when all you want to do is forget that it ever existed or ever hurt. If that makes sense. I suppose that's one of the things life is about – using the pain of the past to construct a more balanced, happier future.

That's what we need to do though. Use our failures of the past to see that they led to the successes of the present and hopefully the future.