Saturday, 15 November 2008

All about the double K

Last night was possibly one of the best nights ever.

Two years ago, at Charla's Wedding a met an awesome girl called Nikki, she was Charla's best friend through University in Utah.

On hallowe'en Nikki and I were oddly reunited, because I ended up at a party in her house. Coincidence? I don't believe in them.

So last night, she I met for dinner, which was the most amazing pizza ever, followed by the most amazing hot chocolate ever from the cutest little chocolate shop in the avenues. I don't remember the name of either, but when reiterating the story to Phil later that night, he knew exactly what I was talking about. 

Well we chatted and chatted and filled each other in on lives and everything else in between, and of course there was the boy chats. Oh the boy chats.

Nikki was saying that there is evidence to support the fact that a child, while growing up, has a psychological yearning for both a mother and a father, and in order to raise a well rounded child both should be present.

I proceeded to add, that I fully agree, although I never yearned for a Father, I am aware that I am definitely psychologically damaged, to an extent, from the lack of, and behaviour of my Dad Dad Daddy-o. (Back to the future quote of the day)

We swapped father horror stories, and then Nikki said something that made me realise a lot of my issues.

Because we've never just had a male figure around that will love us, unconditionally, and he will always be around, we think we need to fight and work and constantly keep entertaining any guy that does come into our lives and wants to love us. 

This explained to me the 'challenge' I give myself. If a guy doesn't want me, then I will start to go out of my way to make him want me, because in my head, without work, it can't be done. Confusing. 

This also linked to the secondary words that Maddy told me not long ago, that we (she and I) chase men. If they were to chase us we would be put off, so we do the chasing. And when it comes to a head we do the hurting too, because at the end of it all we are still women.

There you have it, lack of father figure means that we chase, entertain, and constantly feel like we have to fight to deserve and receive the love we want from the men we want. 

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