Wednesday, 6 August 2008

That is for Sale. Please Alphabetise it.

I found myself at a bit of an odd end on Monday at work, there wasn't any work for me to do, so I started sifting through old emails. This was a risky business, because not only was I reading the emails I once received under better circumstance and, what almost feels like, another life, I was reading my responses and emails too. This lead me to realise that

a) Everything changes
b) I come across as quite boring in emails
c) I try too hard
d) I hate that things change that I don't want to change
e) There must be a time that things won't change
f) I worry too much
g) when the stakes (or steaks) are too high (and out of reach on the top shelf) I don't gamble and, again, worry too much
h) I am mourning the loss of a time
i) My thoughts are my own worst enemy
j) I have too much fear (again, only when the stakes are too high. ie. when i care too much)
k) I was always most attractive when I couldn't care less
l) I seem to just be going through the motions
m) I really like playing the violin
n) I finally got Breaking Dawn – I'm going to read more of it when I finish writing this. I read the first couple of chapters in Starbucks (I miss Toni and the Starbucks banter) and I was almost squealing when Bella walked down the aisle.
o) I am actually a girl and a bit of a romantic (in more of a traditional sentimental sense)
p) I remember too many things that don't seem to matter to any one else
q) I've never fought before, perhaps it's time to do so.
r) I went climbing the other day and aggrivated my fear of heights, hurt all of my muscles but it felt good, I achieved something I would never have done before. From this I learned that I don't participate in things, or do many things at all incase I am terrible at them and people will think lesser of me. This, of course, is a stupid thought, but I have realised this is how my brain thinks. I hold myself back for fear of failing.
s) I fail at a lot of things, I am not good at everything, I am not good at many things, that's why there is trying, and failing and picking one's self back up again, and doing it again. This is why the phrase 'practice makes perfect' exists.
t) I am not exempt
u) I am not an emotion superhero [although if you see an emotional superhero send him my way, he'll make me his he'll make me his all his – my knight in shining armour coming to my emotional rescue (that's one for the rolling stones fans)]
v) Kick ass awesome letter.
w) I do not work well under pressure, I stress too much, and I hate living by a time table. (I knew this from the last time I was working full time, Rufus had to remind me that we had both learned this about myself two years ago. After this realisation it was decided that I shouldn't work Monday to Friday 9:30/10am-6pm any more.
x) I have some really good friends. Some of whom I have never met and yet I spend more time with them than some of the people that I can physically hug touch and drink hot chocolate with.
y) I am not infallable. I am breakable. I am not perfect. I can aim to be perfect. But no one expects me to be perfect. I need to ask for help. I need to stop being so prideful. If I don't stop being prideful I will forget how to have fun. I need to take my own advice. I need to remember everything I've learned in my life so far and continue to use it. Gems like: There are always two choices; make the situation awkward or not, go to America or not, fight or not, live or not, be confident or not, push yourself or not. ALWAYS a choice.
z) Zero loves me, almost as much as Jesus loves me.

This list wasn't all completely compiled from reading those emails I was reading, but the first couple were. The rest are things i've been thinking about since I had to restart on Thursday evening.

I'm still re-booting though. Hugs welcome :)

I am such an iGeek dot com.

iVikki. haha.

My phone is breaking again, and I said that the next time it broke I would get an iPhone. I don't want an iPhone though. I want my gold phone that goes shhhhhwffff shhhhwfffff. So I might just get it fixed... again.

I think the transfer from old mac to new mac is complete. Tomorrow it will be a case of wiping the files, giving it a good background and maybe reinstalling leopard.

Then it will be on ebay.

While clearing out the files I kept finding traces of Nick, the previous owner. I then found out that Nick's surnmae is Brett. Nick (bloody) Brett.

Talk about a theme dot com.

Brekk the external hard drive was named after Brett and based on the ck/kk theme of naming. Vikki, Vik, Nick, Brekk and there we have it Nick Brett. It freaked me out almost as much as Brett Street.

It's not even a British name. That I know of.

Zero's here, she says it's bed time. She's pawing me.

Remember when I fell down the stairs in Queen Street and met John that peed himself. Well that bruise is STILL on my foot, and it still hurts. I think I broke my self, but because I'm a superhero I can live through the pain. I mean, I can climb walls now, while Peter Couper hoists me on a large rope. :)

The other day I was checking out the blow's website and found out there's a song I had never heard before, then I realised there was a whole album of theirs that I had never heard before.

I then fell in love with the blow all over again, not that I fell out of love with them, but it was just reconfirmed.

There's a partial cover of Sting's Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. :)

I want someone to write a song like that about me one day.

I have a plan, for my own album, based on hearing the sting song, hearing a song by Irene that sounded like a U2 song and remembering the novelty of the Nouvelle Vague covers.


here are some kick ass awesome lyrics that prove why the blow are so amazing:

(the internet is currently broken, so I'm just going to talk amongst myself until it comes back on. I've been transferring all my files from old mac to new mac, and I found some msn conversations from about a year ago. One of them was actually the last conversation I had with Ricking. I miss Rick King. There's an example of messing everything up by appearing to be mental/psychotic/stalkerish/pressure bringing. Although the story of Patrick Klassen is probably more accurate in describing my mentalness. With Ricking I don't think I was mental, I was just being me. Perhaps that is my problem. No one understands that me is normal, and that there is no pressure or mentalness because that's just how I am. However, sometimes my behaviour could be mistaken for that of a crazy person depending on how well the recipricant knows about me and knows about my general personality. I'm not mental, i'm just different. I suppose. The internet is still not back. I'm going to go kick it in the face....

So, I remember getting an email from Eilidh once that told me and made my understand what kind of person I am. She said that she and I were similar because we are

1. Over Keen

which makes us

2. Over Care

about the person, friend or otherwise, which leads us to

3. Over Share

possessions, stories, life, openness.

Now, you can ask many people and they will probably tell you that I am not that much of an 'open' person. I just don't share too many thoughts, feelings and emotions. Although I am getting better I still tend to play everything down a little bit. But Eilidh was write, is write. Whenever I get excited about a friend or a new play toy I get over excited. That's what I do. It's like picking up New Mac (pneumatic drill = newmacic drill) I start singing and dancing and bursting with excitement like no other. I then instantly over care about the person which leads me to want to include them in everything I am doing, and possibly everything I've ever done.

Does that make me psychotic? I don't think so.

Believe it or not, but I am having issues just now with thinking that boys think I'm a psycho. That's the only explanation i've come up with so far. That's how I must be perceived. When I like someone, I go overboard. How can that be wrong though? Is that not better than playing games and causing mental torture on someone? I hate being mentally tortured, I do it to myself all the time. So why on earth would I EVER want to do it to someone else? And I would never want to do it to someone I cared for, just in the name of power. This is my failing though, it seems, I don't participate in the chase anymore. Because it's all nonsense. Non-sense.

I'm starting a new honesty chapter. I've been getting the guts to email people from over the years and apologising if I ever did play games with them, because it sucks.

The internet still isn't working. I want to share the Blow Lyrics with you before I go.

I am so tired.

I love chamomile tea, on a breezey summer night (on hammer hill). I'm going to listen to And I remember every kiss. I love Jens Lekman.

So here it is, the reason the blow are good (is good) and the other reason I want to go to Portland and hang out with her.

Hey Boy.

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

A. You're gay
B. You've got a girlfriend
C. You kinda thought I came on too strong or
D. I just wasn't your thing
no ring

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

When we sat outside for an hour at the party and talked
I thought something good could be starting
It's not a lot that I want
just some talking
and really, you just injured my pride

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

Susan said that maybe you're scared
Shelly says there always is a reason
and Chris said you're probably surrounded by girls and I'm just not one of them you're needing.

Chris is probably right. But then so is Susan and Shelly. Tell me that that does not ring true to everyone's life (Thank you Dris Chaines for uploading it for me. You are the best... and for pointing out how awesome this song is).

But really, how good is the verse 'it's not a lot that i want'. I think boys think all girls are mental. I mean, we are to an extent that we think about weddings and I look up dresses online, haha. But that doesn't mean we want to marry someone after a day, or a couple of weeks. There's no need for the constant fear that we/I am filled with pressure and over eagerness. Yes it appears that I am too keen, but that's just how I opporate. I am just as scared as boys, committment and everything else as boys are of it. My track record with the males of the species isn't the best. I always bail, I always get out, and I always keep them all at arms length (should there be an apostrophe, it is the length belonging to the arm.) I am truly ranting and revealing a random piece of the puzzle to my life.

I really miss Scott. I think when my emotions caught up with me I realised that Scott is actually dead and not coming back, and that I do and will miss him. I am so good at supressing things, and sallying on like the trouper I pretend to be. Then it all comes crashing down. Welcome to the post-university blues as well, welcome to vikkiville.

I am too monogomous.

Favourite bands of 2008: Caribou, Jens Lekman, The Blow, Cocorosie. FACT. And I've seen them all within 12 months.

Cocorosie was September 2007
The blow was October 2007
Caribou was October 2007
Jens Lekman was May 2008

Thank you Glasgow/Salt Lake. Thank you life. I don't think I could ever live too far away from a major city. I love city life. I love live music. I'm going to go sing karaoke in Japan with Dean. Not Dean Martin from the Rat Pack though, although that would be awesome too, but Deanerio Vincenterio my Density.

Today has been brought to you by the letters:


The numbers:

breaking dawn

and the words:

Cat Food.

Today's weather was also asleep for a lot of the day. I need my rest.

Right now the weather is semi-sedated on Chamomile. What a natural herby drug. MEGA.

No comments: